


Just a little touch

by theGhoulBoys



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment RPF
Genre: Buzzfeed Unsolved References, Buzzfeed Unsolved Supernatural, Buzzfeed Unsolved True Crime, Hurt Ryan Bergara, M/M, Oblivious Ryan Bergara, Past Shane Madej/Sara Rubin, Pining Shane Madej, Ryan Bergara Loves Shane Madej, Scared Ryan Bergara, Shane Madej Loves Ryan Bergara, The Ghoul Boys (Buzzfeed Unsolved)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:07:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 14,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28090641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theGhoulBoys/pseuds/theGhoulBoys
Summary: Ryan didn't know how to explain it.Shane just hit differently.
Relationships: Ryan Bergara & Shane Madej, Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Comments: 17
Kudos: 71
Collections: shyan explicit fic, shyan fic (ga-mature)





	1. Prologue

It was November 2021, the winter was setting in and the sky was getting darker. The air was becoming more frigid, too cold to even enjoy the usual afternoon walks Ryan enjoyed. Instead, he opted for the indoors. The heater blasting, rugged up and the T.V switched to Netflix. 

Some children show was playing as Ryan busied himself with making a nice hot cup of coffee. It was a cold day, even for Los Angeles. It was rare to day to have off, he usually out filming something for Watcher or Buzzfeed Unsolved, but he was glad he was able to rest. It had been some time since Ryan had a full night's sleep and for the first time, in a long time last night, Ryan had uninterrupted sleep.

Pushing the sleeves to his sweater up, he carried his coffee to his dining table where his laptop sat waiting for him. He was technically working on his day off, but it was the latest episode of Buzzfeed Unsolved and the Editor's wanted to know if there was something that needed changing. 

He watched the episode, shaking his head at Shane's little sarcastic quips and smiling as on screen Ryan began to panic and Shane was there to tell him that it wasn't real.

Shane Madej was good like that. 

They'd been working together for a few years now, both starting as interns for the now blooming business. They had gotten along rather quickly, despite the complete difference in personality. Shane had been kind to Ryan, reeled him in, kept his feet planted on the ground.

When Buzzfeed Unsolved began, he worked with another employee named Brett. Another good friend. When Brett opted out of continuing the series, Ryan asked Shane. He knew that it was a wild ask, that he knew he would have to stop the series and find something else to do if Shane said no but when Shane had laughed and said yes, Ryan was more than happy. 

The next few years flew by, and the show progressed far more into something Ryan never saw coming. It became a home for people, a place for people to laugh, cry and talk. The show wasn't just about hunting ghosts, but hunting ghouls with your best friend.

Then one night, as Shane, Ryan and Steven, another close friend, sat around a table drinking beer and eating cheese balls. Watcher was born. 

Now, as they were almost ending their third year as a business. The friendships were going strong and everything was going perfect. Of course, until Ryan got a phone call that night.

It was Shane and he was hysterical.

Crying about how he couldn't call anyone else because Ryan was his best friend and all his other friends had something going on in their life. Shane had proposed to Sara at a beautiful dinner. Sara had been his long time girlfriend, they'd been dating almost as long as Shane had been at Buzzfeed but for whatever reason, Sara had declined the proposal and suggested they don't continue the relationship.

Ryan listened, not sure how to offer any help, it had been a while since Ryan had a partner. Almost bordering a year now. He listened to his friends' heartbreak, wanting to help but not sure how.

It was almost midnight but Ryan offered to drive to his friends place to which Shane politely declined on the excuse that he just needed to rest and think.

Ryan went to bed, with worry nawing at him.

The next day at work was hard, seeing the red rings under Shane's eyes. Nobody questioned it, and Ryan was the first to pull him aside. 

Shane's tall figure, towered over predictably. His golden brown hair was a mess, looking as if he had run his hands through it one too many times. He had been relatively quiet, which was rare for Shane but Ryan wanted to comfort him.

"I know you're not okay. I'm not going to ask. But I want you to know that I am here for you, no matter what." Ryan had softly said, after glancing at the staff that were leaving the little kitchen in their office building. 

"I know." Shane replied, his voice soft and broken.

It hurt Ryan to hear his friend speak like that, speak like all the life had been drained from him. It would take a while for Shane to even remotely think about getting over Sara, because they had been together so long.

"If you need me. I'll be there." Ryan said, touching his friend's arm.

"I just want to pretend that, that I am fine, at least until today is over."

Ryan understood. If there was one thing Ryan understood, it was that.

So Ryan did just that, he helped Shane pretend that he was fine as a normal friend does. He couldn't help but feel for him, Shane was a gentle soul and would've done anything for Sara. 

Seconds passed, minutes passed, hours, days, weeks and then a month passed.

The next season of Buzzfeed Unsolved was announced and the fans were happy. Ryan had been in discussion with Buzzfeed for a while, hoping to bring back one season of Supernatural before both he and Shane left for good. 

It was agreed and a whole list of compiled locations landed on Ryan's desk the next day. Glancing over the pile, he saw his friend staring out the window, expressionless. 

"Shane." Ryan said, drawing the taller mans' attention. 

"Hm?" Shane hummed as he swivelled in his chair to look at his counterpart. 

"Want to help me choose some locations?" Ryan asked, as he lifted half the stack.

Shane nodded and took the files from Ryan, their hands brushing in the exchange. 

"How many episodes are we doing?" Shane asked as he placed the files on his desk with a thump.

"Fourteen, in honour of how many seasons we've done." Ryan replied, with a smile.

"Fourteen? Already? It's been what five years?" Shane asked, raising his eyebrows in surprise.

"Yeah, I know. Crazy right?" Ryan asked as he began to thumb through the list of places.

"It's a shame you know, that one day we'll be too old to do all this." Shane said quietly.

"Well, we'll still be best friends, right?" Ryan asked, glancing at Shane.

A small smile crept up onto Shane's face. It lit up his eyes in a way Ryan hadn't seen in a while and Ryan was relieved that he still knew how to do it. Ryan liked it when Shane smiled. 

It was always Shane's smiling that made him feel better about coming into work every day. It was Shane that made Ryan enjoy life. 

So maybe. Just maybe, if Ryan could make Shane keep smiling like that, then they'd be back to normal. 

But nothing is ever normal when you realise that it wasn't just Shane's smiling that made Ryan incredibly happy, no it was just the little touch that came with it, that sent Ryan's heart fluttering.


	2. The Sekker Asylum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane's beginning to act strange.

"Why. Why do I do this? Why. Am I here?" Ryan asked out loud as he pulled into the long driveway that led up to the huge looming asylum.

It was dusk, the moon hanging low in the sky. Yet, it set the mood for what Ryan and Shane were going to face in that place. It could have been something right out of a horror novel, story stories made out of white concrete. A blacony surrounded the first floor. Even from here, you could see the crumbling state it was in.

The area that surrounded it was almost picturesque swamp with drooping trees, a white fog creeping through the underbrush.

This asylum would give Ryan nightmares for the next few nights. 

Shane's eyes swept across the area. He may be a skeptic, but even he knew what something looked seriously creepy. 

As they came to a stop. TJ, one of the shows directors, commented on how spooky it truly looked. Everyone climbed out, glancing around to take in the spectacular view. 

The entire crew began to set up and Ryan was fumbling with the straps to his chest. Shane could easily see how nervous Ryan was and decided to take over.

"You okay, bud?" Shane asked as Ryan breathed it and out heavily.

"Nervous. Scared. Pick an emotion that's not happy and I'm feeling it." Ryan replied, rubbing his hands together.

"I'll be right there with you, okay?" Shane comforted Ryan.

"Yes, I know. I'm j-just nervous. It's spookier at night and the history just makes it more terrifying."

Ryan felt Shane clasp his shoulders before turning to face his tall friend, turning his back in the building. Tilting his head to look Shane in the eye, he shook his head. 

"I don't know if I can go in there." Ryan admitted. 

"Yes, you can. You're a badass, Ryan. You've conquered places worse than this!" Shane exclaimed with a smile.

"Look at it, Shane! Look at how terrifying that looks!" Ryan replied back in the same tone.

"Ryan."

Shane's voice was soft. Unusually soft. It was normally about this time that he started make fun of Ryan and his fear of the haunted places they went into. 

But no, Shane was different today. Ryan felt Shane's hand uncharacteristicly touch Ryan's shoulder. 

"You got this. Stay close to me if you have to." He said gently before letting Ryan go.

A strange feeling pooled in Ryan's stomach. Shane was acting strange, stranger than usual and Ryan didn't like it one bit.

His tall friend may have had a month to recover from a devastating blow but Shane was too calm for Ryan. In fact, Ryan was unsure if Shane was going to do his usual banter with the ghouls that lurked inside. 

"Ready?" Ryan asked, glancing at the crew.

They nodded. Shane and Ryan took their spots in front of the building, staring into the camera lense. 

"This week on Buzzfeed Unsolved, we investigate the horrifying Sekker Asylum, as part of our ongoing investigation into the question, are ghosts real?"

Shane did his little head shake and Ryan looked at him with a nervous grin.

"This asylum has had many owners, and just talking to them and hearing their stories has me absolutely terrified of this place." Ryan said, glancing from Shane back to the camera. 

"What do you think, Shane?"

"I think it looks beautiful! It's a beautiful building, and I see that it has all the horrid landscape that a typical "haunted" house would have so I think you're going to absolutely lose your mind in there."

Ryan chuckled, his fear evident. 

"This may be the episode that I break!"

"Yeah! But we're going to go in there amd have a good time." Shane said, shooting Ryan a comforting look.

Ryan widened his eyes at the camera. 

"This guy." He muttered.

The camera panned to Shane who just grinned and looked at his co host.

"As I said before this place has some rich history, let's get into it!" Ryan announced. 

Knowing this was when Ryan's voice over would take over, he read the script to Shane who had the appropriate reactions. 

When the filming for this part had been done, the crew hooked up the camera man, and turned on the cameras strapped to Shane and Ryan's chest. 

"Go forth and conquer." 

Ryan glanced at Shane who nodded and they walked into the building. They stopped at the entrance.

"Good evening, ghouls. If you do not mind we are going to be entering. We are Ryan, and Shane and we ask your humble permission to film you and publish you on the social media." Shane said, gesturing to the camera. 

They took a few more steps in.

"Oooh my god this is fucking terrifying!" Ryan exclaimed. 

Shane laughed. 

"A bit dusty, certainly dirty." Shane replied as he shone his flashlight down the large exspanse of the hallway. 

"How do you now feel fucking weird in here man, I'm losing it already." Ryan announed, shining his flashlight on the wall. 

"It's just an old building." Shane said, trying to help calm Ryan's nerves. 

"Let's go down here." Ryan suggested.

They began to walk down the hallway, their camera man trailing behind them. 

"Hello!" Ryan called out. 

The echo was loud but the sound of something shifting took Ryan's attention.

"Look at this graffiti!" Shane said with a tsk.

"Did you hear that?" Ryan asked Shane. 

"Hear what?" Shane asked, with a frown. 

He shone his flashlight down the hallway, crossing beams with Ryan's.

"Fuck you, you heard that!" Ryan exclaimed. 

Shane could see that Ryan's nerves were unraveling quick so he had to act fast. 

"Ryan. This building lives on a swamp and it's as old as time. I'm going to be honest and say you'll probably hear a lot of things but it's just the building settling." Shane replied with a shrug. 

"Ooohh god I hate this. I hate this so much." Ryan muttered as the duo began to walk forward again.

Shane glanced at Ryan, and as the camera panned to the graffiti on the walls. Shane took Ryan's hand.


	3. What Are You Talking About?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane takes it too far.

Ryan sighed as he paused the video, the editing team had done a great job as per usual but Ryan knew what would have been cut out. 

Glancing over at his tall friend, Ryan wondered what spawned Shane to grab his hand like he had that night, and why he had stood so close when doing their investigation together. Perhaps Ryan was over thinking it, but Shane had been very different on that investigation and Ryan was surprised that the editing team hadn't said anything about it. 

"Shane!" Ryan called out, causing his friend to turn and look at him.

He had dressed rather nice today, with his black turtleneck and tight black slacks. If he began to wear his glasses, he could've passed as an art critic. Ryan had began to notice how different Shane was being, even around his colleagues. Those he usually never really had time for, were now usually the ones hanging around him.

Shane bid goodbye to the group before making his way over to Ryan. He took his time, as if he knew of the glances he was getting. Shane always had a fashion sense, but he looked incredible today.

"What's up?" Shane asked a he slid into his usual desk chair beside Ryan. 

"Editing team wants you to go over this and see if you want anything changed." Ryan said, gesturing to the video on his screen.

"Did you watch it?" Shane asked.

Ryan nodded.

"Well then whatever you thought, I agree with." Shane replied, before stretching his arms out.

Ryan frowned, worriedly.

"Shane, you've always looked at the finished product, you want to make sure they get all your funny lines." Ryan replied, surprised. 

"I trust your judgement."

Ryan was worried. 

"Okay. Very funny, Shane. Whatever bit you're doing is just stupid. You can stop now. There's no cameras around." Ryan stated. 

Shane glanced at his friend with confusion.

"Bit? There is no bit?"

"You're acting like a robot dude."

"You did always joke that I was one." Shane replied, facing his computer screen again.

Ryan was definitely worried now.

"Don't make me punch you."

"For what?"

"For acting the way you're acting. I know Sara hurt you but acting emotionless isn't the way to deal with it." Ryan stated, causing Shane to shoot him a look. 

The first decent emotion from Shane in a while. 

"I don't know what you're talking about. What are you talking about, Ryan?" Shane asked, his tone less friendly. 

"Oh okay. Is this the part where you treat me like shit because I called you out for being a mopey ass and suddenly you air out my dirty laundry, except I don't have any because I'm fabulous." Ryan replied, crossing his arms. 

"Except one. One pretty life changing one." Shane stated. 

"My colleagues know I prefer a certain flavour of the dating pool."

"Oh yes. But do your fans?" Shane asked, lifting his phone to press the live button on his Instagram. 

"You wouldn't."

"No?" Shane asked. 

"Don't be a dick, Shane. I'm your best friend." Ryan snapped, standing up.

He rolled his eyes.

"I'm sorry. Who was the one who answered your call when Sara dumped you? Who was the one who helped you move all your shit into a new apartment? And where were all your other "best friends" when your Mother got sick." Ryan added, getting more furious by the moment. 

Other people in the office began to look over, watching them with interest but that didn't register to either of them when Shane stood up as well. 

"They had lives to live! They're not obsessed with me like you are!"

Ryan stepped back, out of shock. 

How could Shane say that? How could any of this be coming out of Shane's mouth. He had changed and Ryan wasn't sure if it was for the better.

"Fuck you, Shane." Ryan said in a low tone.

He bent down and logged out of his computer before unhooking his laptop and stuffing it in his bag and zipping it up.

Shane still hadn't said anything even as Ryan picked up his jacket. 

"Don't you ever fucking call me again." Ryan added before stepping out from behind the desk and began walking towards the stairs. 

Ryan brushed past Steven who turned to watch him go with a surprised expression. 

"Ryan?" Steven asked, as Ryan kept walking. 

"Ryan!" Steven yelled out, but Ryan ignored him pushing open the doors to the building and walked towards his car. 

Ryan was angry, he had never been this angry before and all he wanted to do was turn around and punch Shane. 

His phone rang and it was Steven's name that flashed on the screen.

Ryan knew it wouldn't just be Buzzfeed Unsolved that got affected by this. It would be Watcher to. Shane and Ryan had done almost every show together, and if they were to never speak again, that could put the entire company in jeopardy. 

Unlocking his car, he slid in and placed his bag on the passenger seat before closing the door and resting his head on the steering wheel. 

Ryan took a deep breath before lifting his head and slamming his fist onto the wheel a couple of times out of frustation. 

"They had lives to live! They're not obsessed with me like you are!"

It infuriated Ryan, made his hand curl into a fist and his blood boil. After everything they had been through, Shane says that in front of everyone in the office. 

Ryan wasn't obsessed with Shane. 

They were friends. Well had been friends.

Shane was the one who held his hand. Shane was the one who called him every time he needed help. Shane was the one who wanted to do all the shows with Ryan.

Not Ryan. 

He pulled his phone out of his pocket, scrolled through the apps before finding contacts. He searched for Shane's contact before hovering his finger over the block button.

He should do it. Ryan had every right to. 

Instead, he angrily relocked his phone and threw it onto the passenger seat.


	4. Are you even going to listen to me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan realises that maybe something is bothering Shane

Ryan's fingers danced across the laptop's keyboard before a notification popped up from the editing team. 

Ryan moved his mouse and clicked it, it brought up the email and a little link attached. 

'Hi Ryan, Shane asked us to include this in the episode. Just wanting to get an okay from you before adding it.'

Frowning, Ryan clicked the link and it led to a small video clip. 

It was him being attacked by the bats that had made home in that haunted house. 

Ryan could hear himself yelling and slamming into things.

"Ryan!" Shane's voice yelled, panicked.

"If you go in there. You'll be attacked!" The camera man said.

"I don't care! That's my Ryan!" Shane snapped as he pushed him out of the road and dove into the pitch black room. 

Ryan remembered that moment, he still had healing cuts on his hands from where the bats had scratched him as they flew about him. Shane had found him, pulled him into arms and backed out of the room. 

Why did Shane want that in the episode?

Ryan's hand hovered over the keys, before responding.

'Whatever Shane wants.'

Ryan clicked send and lent back in his chair. 

Sure. Why not? It would give the audience a laugh and call Ryan names in the next post mortem because that's what Ryan was. A believer and a laughing stock while Shane was the cool skeptic. 

Closing the lid to his laptop, Ryan stood up and walked into his kitchen. Placing his kettle on, grabbing a mug and a tea bag. 

A knock sounded at the door and Ryan glanced over with a frown. 

He walked over and opened the door before rolling his eyes and moving to close it.

"Wait!" Shane exclaimed.

"What part of fuck you, did you not understand Shane?" Ryan asked, annoyed. 

"Ryan. Please." Shane said, softly. 

Ryan narrowed his eyes but allowed the taller male to step into his apartment. Shane glanced around before turning to face his longest friend. 

"I know I have a lot of explaining to do." Shane started as Ryan closed the door. 

"Yeah. Well I'm listening." Ryan replied, moving back to the kettle. 

"After Sara left, I was broken. I was so lost and the only person who knew how messed up I actually was, was you. I thought that if Sara left, maybe you would too and I just started to spiral." Shane admitted as Ryan made his tea. 

"What I said at the office was so very uncalled for and I was just angry. Not at you, I could never be mad at you. I was just angry about something and I took it out on you. I'm sorry." Shane finished as Ryan turned to face him.

"Cool."

"Cool? Cool? That's all you have to say? I'm trying to apologise!"

"And I heard it. Shane, you were going to out me to my fans, not even to mention that my parents follow you." Ryan replied, still angry. 

"And I'm sorry for that. I am. I'm tryin- are you even going to listen to me?" Shane asked, annoyed. 

"I am listening to you. Sara broke your heart, you decided to be a dick." Ryan replied as he rounded the kitchen bench. 

"And I'm sorry for the way I acted and the way I spoke to you." Shane reiterated.

Ryan sat down and Shane stared at him in disbelief.

"Did you know, even after all the fights we've since meeting each other, I never had once blocked your number. Not once, and today. God today, all I wanted to do was block your number. I wanted to, but I didn't." Ryan said, as Shane stepped closer. 

"Why?"

"Because you're my best friend. I know what you said today, you didn't mean but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt because it did. It hurt a lot, but we both know we can't live without each other." Ryan replied, placing his mug on his table. 

"So we're on the mend?" Shane asked carefully.

"Yes. We're on the mend, coffee cup is in the cupboard. You know where." Ryan stated.

Shane smiled, instant relief filling his system.

Making himself comfortable in Ryan's house, he made a cup of tea before joining Ryan at the wooden table. 

"I do have one question." Ryan spoke up, his hands wrapped around his mug to feel the warmth from the hot liquid. 

"You do?" Shane asked, confused. 

"You told the editing team that you wanted that whole bat thing in the episode. Why?" Ryan asked, taking a sip from his mug. 

"Because it is an important part of the show. You faced something terrifying and survived."

"Only because you saved my ass." Ryan replied. 

"But that's our dynamic, Ryan. You freak out, I calm you down." Shane stated. 

Shane reached his hand across the table and touched Ryan's who jolted in surprise.

"I will be there to save you, every single time." Shane stated.

Ryan frowned. 

"They sent me to video to have a look over and in the video, you call me your Ryan." Ryan said, the heat from the mug warming his fingertips. 

"Did I?" Shane asked, nonchalantly.

"Dude. You held my hand, called me your Ryan. Something is going on with you, other than your break up with Sara and if you need to talk to someone, than I am here for you." Ryan stated, moving his hand away from Shane's.

Shane sighed and lent back in his chair. 

"I hate how good you are at reading me. I hate it!" Shane exclaimed. 

"So there is something to talk about?" Ryan asked. 

"Look since Sara left, I've just been rediscovering myself and it's taking me down some roads that I've never considered before. I'm creating a new and improved Shane, while keeping the main ingredients from the old one." Shane replied. 

"Okay. You've only made me more curious."

"Between you and I. I may... not be as into women as I thought." Shane replied, running a hand through his hair.

"You're gay?" Ryan asked, shocked. 

"No. More like.. half gay."


	5. confessions can be hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane and Ryan confess a few things that needed to be said.

Half gay? I don't think that's a thing, Shane." Ryan stated, surprised 

"N-no I know, I mean like I like both men and women." Shane replied, his cheeks flushing slightly.

"Oh. Uh congratulations, I guess. How did you know?" Ryan asked, honestly curious. 

Shane stared at his friend, wondering how he hadn't figured it out yet. How they sat there, Shane's hand so close to Ryan's that he could practically feel the heat from his palm. 

How could Ryan Bergara be so incredibly smart, yet so dumb at the same time?

Should Shane be obvious so they can laugh about it, or does he lie?

"I don't know, I guess I jus-honestly I can't explain it." Shane said, deflating.

Lie, it was. 

"Well I'm very glad you came out to me. Welcome to the alphabet mafia, dude." Ryan said as he clinked his mug against Shane's mug.

"Alphabet Mafia?" Shane asked, amused. 

"Rainbow squad? Gay Police?" Ryan joked. 

Shane bit back a smile. 

"You know I never asked you how you figured out you were gay." Shane said, tilting his head. 

"Oh that's easy. I was dating this beautiful woman in high school and when the time came for me to pop my cherry, as they say, I uh well just wanted it to be a guy." Ryan replied, taking a sip of his coffee. 

"Oh seriously?" Shane asked. 

"Yeah. Sounds stupid right. Every other gay man I've talked to have this epic gay awakening and mine was just oh sorry darling, I kind of like dick." Ryan said, rolling his eyes. 

Shane choked on his coffee, punching his chest and coughing. 

Ryan grinned. 

"So have you- you know done it with a guy?" Shane asked, as he cleared his throat.

Ryan looked down at his hands. 

"Whoa that's personal. I guess it's confession time, huh? Confessions can be hard you know." Ryan stated. 

"Sorry. You don't need to answe-"

"Yeah I have. Once. I thought he could be my everything and it turned out I was his Thursday." Ryan replied, with a shrug. 

"Oh I'm sorry. How come you never told me that?" Shane asked as he laid his hand on Ryans. 

Ryan looked at the contact, before lifting his eyes to lock with Shane's eyes. 

"I didn't want to make you uncomfortable." Ryan replied, quietly.

"Ryan. You're my best friend. I love you more than anything else on this planet! Whatever you need to speak about, I'll be here to listen. Gay stuff or no." Shane replied, with a frown.

Ryan's eyes glistened before he looked away. 

"Thanks bud." Ryan replied before draining his coffee cup. 

Shane wanted to tell him, to tell him that he meant it. That every word was the truth. He didn't know how long he had known, but Shane had an inkling that Sara had known. Maybe that's why she left, because she knew that Shane Madej was totally and irrevocably in love with Ryan. 

Shane itched to reach out and run his hands down Ryan's arm, to feel his muscles tighten at the sensation. Ryan was feeling something similiar, except his eyes had kept falling to Shane's lips. God, what was wrong with him.

They both wanted each other, but neither knew how to say it.

The passion burned within them, neither willing to take that first step in case of scaring off the other.

Ryan cleared his throat. 

"Well it's late and I should head to bed. I'm glad we're ftiends again." Ryan said, as he stood up.

The pit in Shane's stomach dropped. Friends. It was the only word that echoed around in that head of his.

"Yeah I should head home. Got a busy day tomorrow." Shane said, also standing up.

"I'll see you tomorrow." Ryan said as he walked Shane to the door.

Pulling it open, he glanced at Shane who was frowning at his feet. Shane was thinking, did he make a move and run or just leave it for another time. 

So much to think about.

"Yeah tomorrow." Shane echoed as he stepped out into the hall.

He knew he'd be dreaming about this moment tonight, he knew it would end differently with Shane actually taking the first step. 

"Okay. See ya." Ryan said with a warm smile before closing the door. 

Shane breathed out, staring at the door. On the other side, Ryan turned his back and ran a hand through his hair. 

Whatever he was feeling, he was charged up like electricity. Shane felt it too, so he decided to be brave. He raised his hand to knock but the door swung open by Ryan. 

"You're still here." Ryan said, sounding nervous.

"I lied." Shane admitted, causing Ryan to frown. 

Butterflies flitted in Shane's stomach, making him almost sure he would be sick. 

"My bi awakening-" Shane trailed off as Ryan tilted his head. 

Oh damn, why did he do that? Why did he have to do that with his big brown eyes?

"It wasn't just because I knew, I didn't and honestly, I think Sara figured it out before I did."

Shane cursed himself for mentioning his ex. 

Ryan was confused, visibly. 

"You were. You were my gay awakening and now I've admitted that. I wish I didn't." Shane blurted out honestly.

"Me?" Ryan asked surprised.

"Yeah I mean come on. You're so kind, caring and compassionate. You have this little thing you do when you laugh, and it's adorable. You have a first name as your middle name, and you always have jokes ready to cheer me up when I'm not feeling good. Not to mention that you are confident and beautiful. I mean look at you, how could you not be my gay awakening." Shane rushed out. 

Ryan stared at him for a moment, blush tinging his cheeks. 

"Oh." Was all he said.

"Okay. Well. I'll see you tomorrow at work." Shane said, as he stepped back. 

Ryan grabbed Shane's wrist, stopping him from moving any further down the hall.

"Stay." Ryan spoke softly.

Shane almost missed it.

"Stay?"

"The night, here. I uh, uh could use the company." Ryan replied. 

Shane looked surprised, but it molded into something softer when Ryan's hand slipped from his wrist to hold his hand. 

"Okay. I'll stay for tonight." Shane said softly as he reentered the apartment.


	6. terrible news comes in two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things take a turn for Shane and Ryan

Shane didn't realise that sleeping in Ryan's apartment after their confessions would feel so strange.

He was squished out on the couch with a thin blanket draped over him, his long legs folded underneath him and his arm hanging off the side. He couldn't sleep, and not because he wasn't tired but because his mind just kept thinking about how only a room away, was Ryan. 

Ryan stared at the ceiling, his hands folded at his chest. 

Their minds raced, both itching to reach other but neither making a move. 

Shane shifted on the couch so he was lying on his side, curling his hand to his chest and closing his eyes.

Ryan sighed and turned over, staring at the wall before closing his eyes.

When Ryan woke when the sun had risen, he discovered that Shane had left early to get ready for work. The short man was kind of half relieved, having had no idea what he would've said. 

He readied himself for the day before pulling on his cap and grabbing his car keys. He shoved a piece of toast between his teeth as he locked the door and left. 

Traffic favoured Ryan and he got there on time to see Steven and Shane already in the meeting with the crew. 

The other two hosts looked up as Ryan entered and Shane smiled gently.

"Hey. Did I miss anything?" Ryan asked, worriedly.

"No. We hadn't started yet. Shane was just telling me about this series idea he had last night." Steven replied. 

Ryan's eyes slid to Shane's who sat down and faced away from Ryan.

"Oh?" Ryan asked. 

"Yeah it's like a dating series, but the two subjects don't know what the other looks like.. it's a whole thing and actually quite inventive." Steven realised. 

Ryan pulled out an office chair and sat down.

"How did you come up with that clever idea?" Ryan asked Shane, who met his gaze.

Shane rubbed his mouth, before looking down.

"I don't know what to tell you, Ryan. I'm a smart guy."

Their knees touched under the table. Steven smiled and sat down. 

"Onto business?" He asked as both Shane and Ryan nodded. 

Throughout the entire meeting, Ryan kept stealing glances at Shane who noticed with a bemused smile. Shane was enjoying this, occasionally letting his knees bump against Ryan's or slide against his leg.

He could see Ryan visibly tense every time he did it and Shane loved that. 

When the meeting was over and the crew began to file out, Ryan among them. Shane pushed into the group and wrapped an arm around his shorter friend's shoulders. 

Ryan looked up at him.

"What do you want?" Ryan asked with narrow eyes. 

"Nothing." Shane lied. 

Ryan shook off his arm as they reached their desks but Shane let it slide down Ryan's back slowly, causing Ryan to stop and stiffen. 

"Get a room." Steven whispered as he brushed past. 

Shane shot him a smirk before leaving Ryan and moving to his desk. 

Ryan's mind was short circuiting, and his body tense. He wanted to feel that, again and Ryan wasn't sure how the hell he was going to ever forget that. 

As the day wore on, and the clock had changed it's time to display that it was now twelve thirty seven, Steven swore loudly.

"Bad news guys, we didn't get the sponsorship deal with Lays, but we are looking for another sponser." Steven announced.

Ryan groaned from his desk. 

"Terrible news always comes in two." He said as he looked up. 

Shane's phone dinged and he turned it over on his desk to see a message from Sara. Shane opened it, revealing that Sara wanted to talk. 

Glancing at Ryan, Shane typed back that he wasn't interested. 

Ryan turned his head to see Shane looking at him and frowned. 

Shane smiled and pointed to his phone.

Grabbing his phone, he saw a message from Shane and opened it. It was a gif of the David Tennant's doctor standing in the rain. 

Ryan:  
??

Shane:  
"Bad news always comes in two."

Ryan:  
What! They do!

Shane:  
Sure whatever you say short stuff.

Ryan left him on read and flipped him the finger, causing Shane to laugh and Steven to look at them weird. 

Shane caught himself staring at Ryan, watching him work was one of the most fascinating things Shane had ever seen. To see his face change so many times to a thought in his head. 

Ryan pondered over his Are You Scared? show, wondering if he should do another season. The fans truly seemed to love it and that thought was generally nice. 

A text popped up on his phone from Shane.

As soon as he opened it, his eyes widened and he looked over to see Shane pretending to be busy.

Shane:  
Don't take this the wrong way but I really want to fucking kiss you.

Ryan:  
🤙🏻

Shane looked up from his phone and shot him a glare to which Ryan smiled at. 

Ryan added a text.

Ryan:  
Don't take this the wrong way, but why haven't you done that already?

Shane:  
🤷♂️

Did that just really happen?

It was a question they both asked themselves as they put their phones down to focus on their work. 

The day finished and Ryan had decided that he was going to do another season and Shane had already done a rough draft of the Professor's outfits for the next season of Puppet History.

The office was practically empty save except the hosts and director. Ryan was the first to leave, Steven followed and then Shane.

Except Shane didn't drive home, he drove straight to Ryan's and sat in his car mustering up the courage to do something that could change his life. 

He got out and locked the car, hyping himself up as he entered the apartment building and climbed up the stairs. 

Shane stood in front of Ryan's door for a second before lifting his hand and knocking. 

The door swung open to reveal a freshly showered Ryan.


	7. what was that?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane wants to say something

"Hi." Ryan said, looking at Shane with wide eyes.

There was a beat of silence and Shane could hear his heartbeat in his ears. 

Shane didn't give himself time to rethink, consider anything or time to turn back. No. He caught Ryan's face, ran his fingers along his cheek as he moved forward and molded his lips to Ryans'.

It was like opening up his soul. Tasting, feeling and seeing every colour of the rainbow behind his closed eyelids. Tasted better than catching a smile in a bottle. Shane reeled in its softness, its sweetness. Breathing in Ryan like Shane couldn't get enough air. Like nothing in the world existed but him and Ryan. 

Ryan felt like he was levitating off the ground, floating in the air. Grounded only by Shane's lips and hands. Ryan couldn't think, everything was muddle in his brain and Shane had rendered him so.

He felt almost high as if he had taken an aphrodisiac. Everything just spilled out like Shane had taken his fingers to Ryan's chest and ripped open Ryan's soul like a pandoras box. 

When Shane pulled away, Ryan felt empty and colder. His hands latched onto Shane's arms like a safety line.

They both opened their eyes to look at it each other, breathing in heavily. 

"Wow. What was that?" Ryan said in a half whisper. 

Shane didn't answer, instead choosing to kiss him again. A soft noise fell from Ryan's throat and Shane's left hand was threading it's fingers at the hair on the nape of Ryan's neck. 

Managing to step his way into Ryan's apartment, he lifted his leg to close the door with a kick. Ryan didn't even notice, his hands gripping onto Shane's shoulder so he could match his height. 

Ryan mumbled something against Shane's lips, which caused Shane to break away and take a breath. 

"Sorry what?" Shane asked, as Ryan looked up at him. 

"I said, you're squishing my arm." Ryan said with a small laugh. 

Shane looked down and recognised that he had indeed been pressing Ryan close to him and let him go. 

"Sorry." He said quickly.

"It's okay." Ryan replied before he fumbled with his hands.

"Did you want a drink?" Ryan asked, gesturing to the kitchen. 

Shane nodded and Ryan stepped back, dropping his arms and moving to the kichen. Shane watched him carefully before sitting on the edge of the lounge, facing the kitchen.

"Scotch? Beer?" Ryan asked, glancing at him. 

"Just a beer." Shane replied as Ryan opened the fridge door and pulled two out. 

Ryan walked over to him, held out his beer and Shane took it.

"So we're probably going to have to talk about-" Shane began before Ryan cut him off. 

"Obviously, but right now, I don't want to make things complicated. So if we just don't talk about it right now, then it's not complicated." Ryan said after he had taken a swig of his beer.

"Fair enough." Shane replied. 

Ryan looked at him before down at the bottle in his hands, his thumb brushing over the glass to collect the condensation that had gathered. 

Shane's foot tapped in the air before he spoke. 

"You know I didn't mean to barge in here like that. I actually had this whole speech planned and well the moment you opened the door, I just knew that words weren't needed." Shane said, glancing over at his friend. 

"A speech? Let's hear it then. You worked hard on it and I want to hear it." Ryan said, leaning back in his chair.

Shane flushed and stammered. 

"I er no it's okay." Shane said, rubbing the back of his neck.

"C'mon. I want to hear it." Ryan said gently.

Shane glanced down at his hand.

"Okay." He said before moving to sit on the edge of his seat. 

Looking up, Shane caught Ryan's eyes and Ryan focused on him, the hand that held his beer relaxed in his lap. 

"We've been friends for almost seven years now, and with every important moment in my life, you've always been there. I couldn't ask for a better friend, because you just are the best version of yourself all the time. Even when we're in terrifying situations, you make sure the crew is okay and you make sure that I'm good."

Shane looked away for a moment.

"I've always admired you because you're honest and you stay true to yourself. You know how to light up a room and you know my moods better than I do. You're always the first to wish me good morning and the last to say goodnight. I cannot express how amazing you are because there is not enough air in the world to let me say them all-"

Ryan shifted forward. 

"I don't know when it happened, I don't know how it happened. All I know is that being here, right now. After that amazing kiss, this.. this is where I am supposed to be." Shane finished. 

Ryan's face shifted, a small smile breaking out like dawn behind the clouds. 

"Can I say something?" Ryan asked.

Shane nodded, folding his hands in his lap. 

"I'd deny the existence of ghosts for you." Ryan replied, seriously.

Shane reluctantly smiled before it grew bigger and Shane just laughed as Ryan placed his beer on the table and moved to sit next to Shane.

"I had this epic speech, and that's all you say! Of course it is, because it's you and I don't know why I expected anything less than you." Shane replied as Ryan placed his hand on Shane's shoulder.

Letting Ryan turn him to face the smaller of the two. Shane's eyes dropped to Ryan's lips. 

"That was a beautiful speech. Thank you." Ryan said softly before leaning in. 

Shane met his eager lips with his own, sweeping Ryan up into his arms. Obviously, Ryan was the stronger of the two but Shane wanted Ryan in his arms and not the other way around. 

They kissed heavily before wiggling around the couch to be more comfortable. 

"This is going to be a lot harder to hide." Ryan muttered against his lips.

"I don't care if anyone knows. I got you and that makes me a winner."


	8. see you guys never

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane's sick... or is he?

Ryan was the first into work the next day, placing a hot cup of coffee on Steven's desk, knowing he would arrive in just a few moments. 

By the time he sat down at his desk, Steven walked through the door, surprised to see Ryan so early.

"Is this for me?" Steven asked as he picked up his coffee. 

"Sure is." Ryan replied as he typed in his password. 

Steven gave him a curious look but dismissed it and sat down at his desk to answer som emails.

"Hey. I saw some comments from the fans begging us to do another Too Many Spirits season for Easter, and I think it's a good idea." Ryan said to Steven who glanced over at him. 

"Okay. That does but do you think your livers could handle it? You got pretty loose during the Christmas season and for sure thought Shane would end up face down on the grass." Steven replied before taking a sip.

"Yeah. We can handle it. Of course, we'll ask Shane when he comes in." Ryan said with an one armed shrug. 

"Oh he isn't. Sorry. He called me this morning and told me he was feeling a little under the weather." Steven replied, causing Ryan to frown. 

Admittedly, after they had several more drinks and shared a few more kisses, Shane had gone home and left Ryan to his thoughts for the entire night. 

"Oh he didn't tell me." Ryan said, sounding a little offended.

"Yeah I don't know. Why don't you call him instead?" Steven asked. 

Ryan pulled out his phone and nodded. 

It was still rather early, and if Shane was truly sick than he probably had gone back to bed but Ryan's fingers typed Shane's number easily and pressed call.

Holding his mobile to his ear, Ryan moved to a more private area to speak to Shane. 

It rang and rang and then a disgruntled voice answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Shane? Are you okay? You sound different."

"Oh hey Ry, no I'm just sick. Got home last night and it sort of just wrecked havoc on me. Been having a migraine all of last night and morning, I think I'm coming down with something." Shane's voice replied, followed by some shuffling noises. 

"Are you sure you're okay? You don't need me to come bring you food or anything?"

Shane chuckled. Even sick, he sounded handsome and it warmed Ryan's bones. 

"No, Ry. I'm okay. I'm going to get some rest and I'll call you tonight if I feel better." Shane said gently. 

"Okay but if you get worse, you call me and I'll take care of you!" Ryan exclaimed. 

"I know you will, Ry. You always take care of me." Shane said before the phone line clicked indicating he hung up.

Ryan sighed and pressed the top of his phone to his forehead. Tapping it with his hand, he turned around and dropped his arm as he walked back to his desk. 

"All good?" Steven asked with a smile.

"Yeah. He says he'll call me if he feels better." Ryan replied, sitting back down at his desk. 

Without Shane, Ryan was rather productive, discussing a few things with the team, making a few changes in the editing and helping with the storyboarding for the next episodes. 

As the afternoon rolled around, Ryan hadn't received a call from Shane and that worried him, so as he left the office and got into his car, he picked up some hot chicken soup and drove over to Shane's place. 

Ryan parked and spotted a familiar car in the driveway, making Ryan tense as he grabbed the soup and climbed out of his car. 

Running across the road, Ryan jumped onto the grass before walking up to the front door, glancing one last time at the familiar car in the driveway. 

Ryan knocked on the door and waited patiently.

A minute later, the door opened to reveal Sara, she looked at Ryan with surprise. 

"Ryan?" Sara asked as Ryan curled his hand into a fist. 

Jealousy coursed through him and it felt dangerous. Why was Sara here? Was she looking after Shane? Why hadn't Shane called him? God, had Ryan read the situation wrong? Had he assumed that Shane had felt something more than what it truly was last night?

"I heard Shane was sick. I brought him soup." Ryan said firmly. 

"Oh he's in the kitchen." Sara replied, stepping aside so Ryan could enter. 

Ryan stepped pass the threshold and walked towards the kitchen. Upon hearing coughing, Ryan turned from the entrance way to see Shane bent over the kitchen bench, coughing into a tissue.

He looked up when Ryan entered.

"Brought you soup but I guess you were already being cared for." Ryan said, rather harshly as he placed the soup on the bench roughly. 

Shane coughed again before clearing his throat.

"Sara is just here to pick up the last of her things." Shane said before coughing again.

"I thought she did that before you moved apartments." Ryan said, narrowing his eyes. 

"Yes but I took things that I thought were mine." Shane replied before sighing.

He did look gravely ill, a sickly colour had fallen on his skin and his nose was red, undoubtly from all the tissue rubbing. 

Ryan couldn't be mad at him when he was leaning on the kitchen bench, looking like death. 

"Go sit down. I'll warm up the soup." Ryan ordered. 

Shane didn't argue, just did as told and Sara walked in.

"Well I have the last of it. I guess I won't be seeing you as I am moving to New York. Ryan, good to see you again. Shane, I hope you get better and thank you for being chill about this break up." Sara said, looking at him.

Shane waved his hand at her. 

Ryan gave her a curt nod as he grabbed a pot from his cupboards and place it on the stove. 

"See you guys never!" Sara called out as she left.

The door closed behind her, and Ryan stirred the soup in the pot. 

"Did you honestly think I would go back to her?" Shane's raspy voice asked, breaking the silence.

"You've done stupid things before." Ryan replied, staring into the soup. 

"There's stupid and there's that." Shane said. 

Ryan tipped the now warm soup into a coffee mug and took it over to Shane who sighed as he gripped the cup.

"Drink this. I'll prepare a hot bath for you and get you some warm pajamas." Ryan said as he turned his hand over to touch Shane's forehead. 

He wasn't burning up so much but he was warm. 

"And I'll prepare some apple cider vinegar, lemon and honey for your throat." Ryan added. 

Shane who had been drinking his soup, looked up at Ryan. 

"See. You always take care of me." Shane whispered.

Ryan rolled his eyes. 

"Drink your damn soup."


	9. something to hold onto

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan has a few days..weeks..
> 
> Is Shane coming back?

Ryan packed away his laptop for the day and noticed the envelope on his desk with a frown.

Steven had left the office ages ago, and Shane was still off work sick. Frowning, Ryan grabbed the envelope and opened it. 

A piece of paper with writing scrawled across it fell out and onto the floor. Bending down, Ryan bent down and grabbed it. 

Dear Ryan,  
We both know that I have never really been good expressing my emotions out loud. It's why half of the internet believes I'm an actual demon.   
I know there is so much we need to talk about, to say to each other. Figure out where this is going and how to possibly handle this but right now, I need some clear air.   
Some time.  
I've already talked to Steven and you deserved something better than a small text message. Because no one writes letters anymore, and that makes me sad.  
I'm going back to spend some time with my family. Just for a few weeks and I'm making it a no LA holiday. That means no work, no friends..no you.  
I'll call you when I come back online.  
Please forgive me,  
Shane. 

Ryan looked up from the letter and frowned.

Ryan understood why he needed that space, but taking care of him all week had taken a toll on Ryan. Ryan got up early, went to work, drove back to Shane's to take care of him and eventually manage to crash back at his house at eleven pm, only to wake up at six and do it all over again.

Ryan knew that Shane hadn't asked Ryan to take of him, but if he hadn't. Shane would not have taken care of himself. 

No, Ryan wasn't mad. Just slightly disappointed.

About to throw the envelope into his desk drawer, he saw another paper and took it out. Unfolding it, he read it.

For Ryan.  
Something to hold on to.

It was a small image, taken in a throw away camera and it was from the celebration of Buzzfeed Unsolved hundredth episode. It was of Shane and Ryan, a red solo cup in their hands and they were looking at each other, laughing.

Ryan remembered taking that photo and Shane calling dibs as soon as it was printed. He'd kept it this entire time, knowing that Shane had told Ryan that he lost all those photos he had of them. 

Ryan smiled, holding the photograph close to his chest before propping it up on his desk. Well, if Shane had gone home, that meant Ryan could finally get some sleep.

Weeks passed without word from Shane and soon Steven and Ryan had come up with eight new amazing shows they could kick off. 

Steven had asked for the return of DND, which Ryan said was fine by him. Too Many Spirits was getting another seaon and so was Are You Scared?

Ryan had spent most days on the phone to Buzzfeed, begging for the rights to Unsolved. He knew that he and Shane weren't going to stau much longer, so why not bring their child here. Like the Try Guys did. 

With work back in full swing, Steven and Ryan had been pretty busy around the office and Steven was out one day filming for Homemade, when Ryan ate tortilla chips in front of his laptop.

He was typing a rough draft of an email to Buzzfeed and jolted when hands clamped down on his shoulders hard. 

Chips spilled everywhere, along with Ryan's swear words. A familiar chuckle made Ryan spin around to see Shane Madej leaning on the desk behind him.

"Oh you're back?" Ryan asked, a little more harsher than intended. 

"Don't sound so excited, Bergara." Shane replied sarcastically with a roll of his eyes. 

"Sorry. Just tired." Ryan replied, before standing up. 

Shane watched him and realised he was going in for a hug.

"How was your holiday?" Ryan asked, sitting back down.

"Good actually. The fam say hey by the way, I uh took the opportunity to come out to them and they took it rather well." Shane said as his eyes flickered to the photograph on Ryan's desk.

"Well I'm really proud of you, Shane." Ryan said with a beaming smile.

"Thanks. Hey so I was wonderin-" Shane was cut off as a female voice interrupted them.

"Ryan! Oh there you are. Babe, you have to see this."

A woman a bit taller than Ryan, appeared with her phone in her hand. Her bushy curly hair bobbed as she walked, she was definitely beautiful and Ryan laughed at the something on her phone.

Shane had only heard one word. Babe.

Since when. Since when had Ryan dated women. Shane knew Ryan liked both men and women but Shane had only ever seen Ryan with guys. 

"Oh I'm sorry, did I interrupt something?" The lady asked, glancing between the two men. 

Shane couldn't stop that word bouncing around in his head. 

"Oh Marielle, this is Shane Madej. Our other CEO of Watcher Entertainment, Shane this is Marielle Scott. My girlfriend." Ryan said, lowering his eyes on the last sentence. 

"Girlfriend? Wow that's amazing." Shane said, his fingers digging into the palm of his own hand. 

"Yeah we met three weeks ago, at a restaurant. Poor man was dining alone and I joined him. He's such a sweetheart." Marielle gushed.

Shane swallowed and looked away as Ryan looked up. "Yeah, I would've told you sooner but no LA stuff, if I remember correctly." Ryan said a with a smile. 

Shane wanted to come back, to tell Ryan that he was in love with him, ask him to be his life long partner but now Ryan had a woman wrapped around him and he let Ryan see the hurt.

"Oh it seems like you've got plans, don't make me keep you waiting." Shane said, locking eyes with Ryan.

Ryan sighed and touched Marielle's arm. 

"Mari. Can you give us a moment?" Ryan asked, rewarding him with a nod from her and she left for the stairs.

"You were gone five weeks Shane with no contact. I didn't know when you were coming back." Ryan said, as Shane pushed off the desk.

"No. It's fine. No explantion needed, Ryan." Shane said as he looked down. 

"I know you needed air, but a simple text would've have made this reunion a whole lot different." Ryan replied.

"You're blaming me?" Shane asked, glaring at his friend.

"No. Of course I'm not. But don't get shitty at me just because I found someone who liked me because you needed some air. Five weeks. No contact, how was I even supposed to know that you were even coming back?"

"I wouldn't abandon the company I help build." Shane snapped. 

"Right. The company. Of course. I should have thought of that first. Look, think whatever you want to think, I don't care." Ryan said as he grabbed his stuff and brushed past Shane. 

No, this had not been the reunion Shane had been hoping for and the gift for Ryan in Shane's pocket grew heavy.

Yeah fine. It was Shane's fault.


	10. what's the saying?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We may never recover

Shane shook off his jacket and threw it on his office chair. He was back home, in the confines of his safe space and he had never felt more alone.

A part of Shane knew that Ryan was right, even if he hated to admit it. Shane was fustrated that he had even decided to leave his mobile phone off for his entire trip. He definitely didn't mean to stay five weeks, it was only supposed to be two. If his mother hadn't convinced him to stay, Shane would've been back here and would've had Ryan before Marielle even met him.

He knew that right about now, they would be having dinner and laughing about something. Shane hadn't brought any food back to the apartment, and he didn't feel like take out. 

Instead, he opted to have a shower and climb into his bed. He pulled his phone off the night stand, only to flick on his Instagram and his profile showed up. 

The first image was an image of Ryan with his coffee cup at his mouth. He had his glasses on and looking at his phone with such focus that Shane remembered laughing that day. 

Sighing, Shane locked his phone and placed it on his night stand. 

He turned his body, to lay on his back. Shane stared at the ceiling, unaware that time was passing. 

It was some time around ten pm when a knock sounded at the front door, causing Shane to sit up with a frown.

Who could possibly be here at this time.

Getting up, Shane grabbed a shirt and hadn't pulled it on yet when he made it to the door and pulled it open. 

Ryan stood there with his back to the door but he turned around at the sound of the door hitting Shane's hand as he caught it.

"Ryan?" Shane asked surprised.

"I don't like how we left it today." Ryan said, his tone serious. 

Shane understood, it was always one of the most admired qualities about Ryan. He didn't like to leave things on a bad note, even if they could be solved the next day.

"No. Neither did I." Shane said, opening the door wider and stepping to the side. 

Ryan walked into his house and turned to face him as he was further enough inside. 

"I just have to know. Was it me? Was it me that made you want to go away?" Ryan asked, the vulnerability evident in his tone.

"What? No."

"Are you sure because you sure had odd timing, Shane." Ryan said, crossing his arms. 

"Ryan. I promise. It wasn't because of you, it was because of me. I wasn't healthy, I wasn't in a good place and I didn't want to hurt you." Shane said, moving to the table.

"Hurt me? I'm your best friend!"

"You're not just a best friend to me, Ryan! You're not!" Shane exclaimed back.

Ryan looked shocked for a moment.

"I mean, come on man. Best friends don't just kiss best friends!" Shane said, leaning on the table.

"What are you trying to say? No bullshit. Straight up, Shane." Ryan said, stepping closer.

"I'm in love with you, jackass. And I have been for a very long time. I know there is nothing I can do now, but you know what? You deserve to know how much I do!" Shane said, moving to his jacket. 

Ryan frowned.

"What are you doing?" Ryan asked as he watched Shane rummage through his jacket. 

Shane wrapped his fingers around the gift and pulled it before moving the the table that separated them. Moving his hand, he slammed the little black box on the wood. 

Ryan glanced from Shane, to the box and back. 

"What's that?" Ryan asked. 

"Open it." Shane replied, sitting down on a chair.

Ryan stepped forward and picked up the box, opening it with ease. Even in the dim light, Shane saw the glint of the silver ring. 

"It's a promise ring. My mother thought it would be cute, guess I was too late." Shane replied.

Ryan didn't say anything, just closed the box and placed it back on the table.

"Why?" Ryan asked, closing his eyes. 

"Why? Why, what?" Shane asked. 

"You know what I'm asking, Shane!" Ryan snapped.

"Because you may be with her but I know you love me. I just want you to know that you have options. That I'm right here, and I will be waiting for you. No matter how long it takes, Bergara!" Shane announced firmly.

"That's not fair." Ryan muttered. 

"Fair? Since when has life ever been fair? What's the saying? If life gives you lemons, throw them out because lemons fucking suck." Shane replied. 

"I thought we could settle this like adults." Ryan said, rubbing a hand over his eyes.

"Because I'm not an adult? What about this, is childish to you, Ryan? Because here I am, my heart on my metaphoric sleve and there you are, pretending you don't care." 

"Shane. Stop it."

"Stop what? The truth?" Shane asked, standing up and rounding the table.

"Stop it." Ryan said again.

"I'll stop when you admit it. When you admit that you're in love with me." Shane said as he crowded Ryan.

The shorter man stepped back until he was trapped against the kitchen bench, Shane towering over him. 

"When you kiss her, do you see me?" Shane asked, his tone low.

"How dare you."

Ryan moved to lift his hands and moved to push Shane away but Shane caught his hands with ease. Ryan could simply overpower Shane. He had the strength to do so but he didn't.

"Do you?" Shane asked again, leaning forward.

"If you do this. I will never forgive you." Ryan stated as he leant back, anger on his face. 

Shane stopped, dropping Ryan's hands. 

"You know what, fine. If that's how this is going to be then delete my number, delete any photo you have us and burn everything. It's best we don't talk to each other again."

"That's going to be a bit hard when we run a c-"

"I'll be sending my resignation to Steven tonight." Shane stated as he stepped back.

"This is emotional blackmail!" Ryan snapped.

"No Ryan. This is me not giving a shit about you or anything about you! I've stayed in that hell hole called Buzzfeed for so long, for you! I wanted to be apart of Watcher, for you! So this is me, not caring. I'm not living my life for you anymore!" Shane snapped back.

"Don't pretend it was always for me. You did it for you. You did it for Sara!"

"Yeah?! And look where that fucking got me! I'm done. This. Whatever the fuck this is. Is over. Get out! Don't knock on my door, don't text, don't call! Just leave me the fuck alone!" Shane shouted, pointing at his front door furiously.

Ryan was shocked. 

"GET OUT!" 

Ryan started for door, tripping over the leg of a chair and fell forward, catching himself. He wretched open the front door and turned around to see Shane still hadn't moved from his spot. 

"Fuck you, Shane."

Ryan slammed the door shut, leaving Shane alone.

Roaring in furious anger. Shane stepped to the side and threw all his weight into his fist, slamming it into the wall of the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It physically hurt me to write them fighting like this. Like it hurt, in my chest.


	11. it's always been complicated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane says goodbye to a friend

Ryan was furious. He was driving home, his eyes blurry with tears as they continually fell down his cheeks. He was angry, he was sad, he was lost. Like some part of him had broken away and left a big gaping hole where his heart should've been.

The rain and wind lashed at Ryan's car, the lights of the city blurring against the glass. Ryan's wheels skidded across the wet asphalt, but he kept pushing on with the wipers on full speed. 

His knuckles tight as he held the car straight. 

Shane had been the only person that Ryan could ever count on and now he was gone.

Ryan scrubbed the tears from his face but they didn't stay dry long. Not seeing the red light on time, Ryan pressed on his brakes hard and his tires squealed in the wet.

The car slid to a standstill and Ryan breathed heavily. Staring at the red light, he wished Shane would just call him. The light turned green and Ryan started forward.

Two bright lights came at him quickly from the side and Ryan didn't have a chance to get his car out of the road as the car smashed into Ryan's, thrrowing it across the cross roads and rolling it over. 

Ryan was hanging upside down, knocked unconscious by the impact. His head was bleeding, his lip was busted and his arm was broken. His ribs had absorbed the impactof the steering wheel. The air bag hadn't activated and the car was smashed. Glass littered the traffic lights and it was the yelling that slowly brought Ryan to life. 

He couldn't move and everything hurt. 

"Shane." Ryan whispered. 

His hand moved up to his seat belt and ignored the screaming pain in his arm. He pressed the button and the seat belt undid and Ryan crashed to the roof of his car. 

He screamed out in agony as he landed on his broken arm.

"Help!" Ryan yelled, trying to shove his good shoulder against the crumpled door. 

That's when Ryan saw it. The fuel that dripped from his car and the fire that had eurpted on his smashed wheel on the road. 

The smell of gasoline burned his nose, and panic began to build. Using his legs, he smashed out the rest of the window screen and half dragged his body from the burning car in complete agony. 

"There!" A man yelled. 

Hands grabbed at him and Ryan groaned in pain. He felt himself being lifted and opened the eyes to see a gruff man, pick him up and hold him bridal style.

"Call 911!" Someone yelled. 

Almost as if in reply, Ryan's car blew up in a big bang, causing everyone to fall back. 

"How many fingers am I holding up?" A lady asked me as the man set me down

Everything was blurry and I couldn't see any fingers. The lady looked at the man who saved me and shook her head. 

It was only a few more seconds before Ryan passed out. 

When he came to, his arm was in a sling, he was laying on a hospital bed and Marielle was asleep beside his bed on a chair. 

He fell back asleep.

Shane didn't know anything that happened until the next day as he arrived at work. Steven was consoling Katie, and Steven gave him a sad look as he entered the office.

"Have you gone and seen him yet?" Steven asked. 

Shane was confused. 

"Seen who?" Shane asked, as he glanced at the half empty office. 

"Ryan." Steven stated. 

Had Ryan told him about the fight?

Shane must have looked really confused because Steven frowned.

"You don't know? He was in a car accident last night. He's in hospital?" Steven said, gesturing to his laptop.

Shane moved around the desk and saw the article.

Ex Buzzfeed Employee severly injured in car accident, last night.

Shane swallowed heavily. 

Ryan could have died. Ryan could have died and he would have thought Shane hated him.

"Where?" Shane asked, firmly.

Ryan was enjoying some t.v when a knock sounded at the door. 

He looked over to see Steven, Katie, Simone and the tall unmistakably figure of Shane as he kept at the doorway.

"Hey Ryan." Katie said sweetly as she held out some flowers. 

"Hey guys. You didn't have to come see me." Ryan said, tearing his eyes from Shane.

"Don't be stupid." Steven said, as he went in for a one armed hug. 

Simone and Katie fluttered about him but it was Steven that asked if they could all go get coffee when he had noticed that Shane hadn't entered the room fully.

Ryan didn't look over. He ignored Shane's presence until he stepped into the room.

"I hope you recover." Was all Shane said as he placed a card on the bench beside him. 

Ryan looked down at his bandaged hands, begging himself not to cry.

"I'm sorry, Ryan." Shane added softly. 

"Sorry? Sorry doesn't fix what you said, Shane." Ryan said in a low voice.

He didn't want to start another argument in the middle of the hospital but goddamn it he was drugged up and he was angry. 

"Why are you even here? You said you didn't want anything to do with me. So I'm not your problem anymore. You don't have to feel guilty if you fuck off."

"Rya-"

"No. It was very clear what you said. You said you didn't care about me." Ryan added. 

"You think I wanted this?" Shane asked, shock and pain coursing through him.

"I think you would have loved to be the other guy driving." Ryan replied back harshly.

Shane was hurt. It swelled up inside him like a balloon and he couldn't contain it for much longer. 

"That's where you're wrong, Bergara. If I was the other guy, I would've hit the pole instead." Shane said before stepping back. 

He turned around and walked back to the door before stopping.

"See you, Ry. Glad you're not dead." Shane added before walking out.

Tears prickled at Ryan's eyes and he hastily swept them away as Steven came back.

"You know. No matter how much you two fight, you always come back to each other." Steven said softly.

"That was when things weren't complicated." Ryan replied.

"It's always been complicated, Ryan. You just got let in on a little secret." Steven replied.


	12. days without water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane and Ryan reunite, is it a happy chapter?

Four days after his accident, Ryan was given the okay to go home. Steven gave him the news that Shane had left, and Marielle confirmed for Ryan when he had her go to his address and poke her head through a window.

He was packed, and gone.

One week turned into two.

Two weeks turned into three, and then into four.

Four weeks turned into five and it was destroying Ryan.

Ryan didn't know if it was him that did something wrong or if it was Shane at fault. He tried Shane's mobile a couple of times but it never answered. It shattered Ryan's heart.

When Ryan got home from the Hospital, that was when the nightmares started. It was like everything they had ever filmed for Buzzfeed Unsolved, except there was no Shane. Just Ryan walking throughout the buildings and laughing to himself.

He would wake crying into his pillow, hugging his chest and breathing as if he had ran a marathon. It got progressively worse, crying turned into screaming and soon, Ryan didn't sleep at all.

On one particular night, Ryan was sitting on his window seat, a calming tea in his hands. He'd tried medication, teas, all sorts of remedies but nothing helped. It was the hole. The big gaping hole that Shane had left.

Marielle was gone for one of her projects, but she knew Ryan was in pain. It was two in the morning and Ryan hadn't slept in the last fifty seven hours. 

Ryan decided to call Shane's number one last time before deleting it completely. Maybe if he deleted it, he could move on.  
Ryan typed the number quickly, pressing call. It rang and rang. 

As usual. No answer. 

"This is Shane. You know what to do." His message tone said cheerfully.

The beep sounded.

"I don't know what to do, Shane. I'm lost. I'm lost without you and I don't know if I can do this anymore. Whatever we said, we can forget it. Start fresh. Please Shane. Come b-" Ryan cried passionately.

"Message recorded." The cheerful voice said again.

Ryan lifted the phone his eye, pressing it on the ridge of his eyebrow before a quick release of anger made him throw his phone at the wall.

It felt like Ryan had gone days without water, and it was beginning to hurt. Steven had been keeping Watcher afloat but the fans were beginning to notice Shane and Ryan's absence. 

No activity came from Shane's social medias either, and it was just a barren waste land of memories for Ryan.

"Just come back." Ryan whispered to the empty room. 

Shane stared at the missed call on his phone before pressing play on the message. He could hear the ache and sadness in Ryan's tones, and all Shane wanted was to go over and hug him. 

He hadn't exactly moved from his apartment, he had just put a lot of stuff in storage in case he decided to move away. Shane didn't want to end things the way they did at the Hospital, but he didn't know what to say either.

Shane wanted his best friend back. If he couldn't have him as a partner, than he would settle for a friend. Shane found himself getting dressed before he could stop himself. 

Car keys in hand, Shane drove through the night. It was late, and Shane knew Ryan would be up if he was feeling lonely. 

It took him five minutes to find a park, and ten minutes to get to Ryan's front door. He knocked on the wood softly, trying to find words to say when he heard soft screaming.

Shane didn't think as panic filled him, the thought of Ryan hurt made him jump in action. Grabbing the spare key on top of the door frame which Ryan had always left there for him and let himself into the house. 

The muffled screaming was coming from the bedroom and Shane was cautious, in case his girlfriend was home. He opened the door slowly and saw Ryan screaming into his pillow, his whole body shaking. 

"Ryan?" Shane asked, concerned. 

Ryan didn't hear him so Shane moved quickly.

Without another thought, Shane moved to the bed and gathered Ryan as much as he could in his arms, holding him close. The tight bedsheets made it hard for Shane to hug Ryan but he angled himself better to hold Ryan.

The screams stopped and now it was just crying. The tears soaked into Shane's shirt but he didn't care. 

Ryan felt warmth and for a second, thought maybe Marielle had come back early but a familiar smell washed over him and he opened his eyes to see Shane's thumb rubbing cirles on the back of Ryan's hand. 

Ryan was still half covered by the sheets. Half cocooned in Shane's arms. Moving his eyes up, he saw Shane's strong jawline, his messy shadow of a beard and closed eyes. 

"Shane?" Ryan asked, completely surprised.

Shane opened his eyes and looked at Ryan, their eyes meeting for the first time in six weeks. 

"Hey. I heard you screaming." Shane said softly.

Ryan didn't care. Shane was here. Wait. No. Shane couldn't be here, was Ryan dreaming?

"Are you really here or is this another dream?" Ryan asked, his eyes watering at the prospect.

"I'm here, Ry. Promise." Shane replied, his thumb ghosting across Ryan's cheek. 

Ryan held his breath tightly in his chest, just to make sure he wasn't dreaming. 

"Breathe, Ry. Breathe." Shane said gently, as he touched Ryan's chest softly.

Ryan let out his breath of air but didn't waste another second and securing his arms around Shane. They had both been away from each other for so long and neither knew that it would affect them so much. 

"I thought you moved away." Ryan cried out into Shane's chest.

The emotion caught in Shane's throat. Fuck, Shane was not prepared for this.

"I could never leave you Ryan. Even if I wanted to." Shane replied, honestly. 

Ryan's hand fisted in Shane's shirt and before the tall idiot knew what was happening, Ryan was kissing him. It was wet, mostly driven by the tears that fell from Ryan's eyes but Ryan's lips secured around Shane's and kissed him. 

Shane didn't seem to care about the tears, tilting Ryan back until the man's back hit the mattress again. Their mouths danced as if they both knew it was forbidden and they would run out of time. 

So enveloped in the scent that was Shane, Ryan didn't care about anything else in the world until Marielle's ring tone filled up the silence. 

Shane pulled away quickly, and much to Ryan's dismay as he laid dazed on the bed. 

"I'm sorry. Fuck, I'm so sorry!" Shane exclaimed, quickly and rushed.

"You have a girlfriend and I-" 

"Shane." Ryan stated clearly.

Shane looked at him with wide eyes.

"Mari and I aren't together anymore. She's been looking out for me, but we aren't together." Ryan added before sitting up.

"You aren't?" Shane asked, slightly confused. 

"No." Ryan replied, as his hand lifted to touch Shane's cheek. 

It was something Ryan often did, many fans noting how he seemed to do it in videos vut this time it felt more personal, more reassuring. 

Shane didn't say anything just captured Ryan's lips with his. Now, wasn't the time for words.


	13. rendered speechless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane has a plan.
> 
> Song for chapter: Dandelions by Ruth B.

It felt different the next day for both Shane and Ryan. Shane had been unable to return to work because Steven wanted to punish him for leaving in the first place. 

Ryan and Shane had shared the bed all night but as morning broke, Shane left Ryan to sleep. 

As soon as Ryan walked through the doors to Watcher, he sent Shane a text message. 

Shane didn't receive it straight away as he was too busy walking down the street, past a big looming church and towards the city. 

Ryan's message went unread for most the day until Ryan finally received a text back from Shane. It only said that he needed to do something and that Ryan would find out soon.

Pursing his lips, Ryan quickly became distracted from his work as he wondered what Shane was up to. He didn't have to wait long as Shane sent him a video of himself outside the Watcher building.

"Is that Shane?" One of the crew asked, looking out the wide window. 

Ryan got up and moved to the window, seeing Shane surrounded by women and a few men. Frowning, Ryan grabbed his phone and headed towards the stairs. He hit the ground floor and rushed to the door, opening it wide. 

"Shane? What's going on?" Ryan asked as he glanced at the people surrounding him.

"Take it away!" Shane exclaimed, as he stepped to the side and moved towards Ryan. 

The people began to sing and Ryan recognised the song from hearing it this morning on the radio. Clutching his phone to his chest, Ryan's eyes watered as the people sang to him. 

Feeling Shane's chin on his left shoulder, Ryan stepped back and Shane immediately hugged him from behind. The doors opened again and the crew walked out. Ryan moved to step away but Shane kept him there, saying hello to his staff members. 

"Dandelions into the wind you go!" The choir sang. 

It was the most beautiful thing someone had ever done for him, and it came from Shane. 

Shane began to say the last few words in Ryan's ear and Ryan smiled. 

When the choir finished, the entire crew clapped and Shane thanked them. Taking their bow, they headed towards their cars and Shane who had moved away to talk to them, turned to face Ryan.

"Surprise." He said gently with a smile on his face.

"Certainly was something I didn't expect from you." Ryan laughed back, but happy. 

"I've waited a while to give you this." Shane said as he pulled a box from the back pocket of his jeans. 

Ryan's eyes darted to the box before looking over at his co workers who gasped in happiness. Katie held a hand to her mouth and Steven seemed proud. 

"It's a promise ring." Shane explained as he held the box. 

"Shane." Ryna whispered. 

"I was going to give it to you that day in the office when we had that argument. I'm kind of glad I waited because I got to feel my life without Ryan Bergara in it, and I fucking hated it." Shane said honestly. 

"A promise ring is a big deal, even for us Shane." Ryan said, looking from the box to Shane's eyes. 

"I know, but I want you to know that, this is how serious I am about this. I know I seem goofy and playful but you mean too much to me. You're my partner, more than that you're my best friend and the only long time person in my life I don't want to strangle." Shane replied.

"So what are you asking of me, and know that when you ask it. There is no going back." Ryan stated seriously. 

"I am asking you, Ryan Steven Bergara, to be mine. To wear this ring as a promise that it will be you and I forever." Shane said stepping forward. 

Slowly, Ryan opened the box and a simple silver band met his eyes. Perfect. Simple but full of meaning, just like the man it was destined for.

"I accept." Ryan replied formerly as a squeak left some of the crew's mouth.

Shane laughed. 

"Can we get some privacy?" Shane asked them, giving them a look. 

"Oh course. Everyone. Back inside. Work to do." Steven suddenly bossed. 

The crew grumbled.

"Back inside or a loss of pay for one day." Steven threatened. 

Everyone moved quickly back inside, leaving Shane and Ryan at the front of the building. Tilting his head up, Ryan studied Shane's side profile as he watched their employees walk back to work.

A long slender nose, mousey blonde hair and beautiful brown eyes that focused back on Ryan. 

"What?" Shane asked slightly unnerved.

"I just refreshed myself on how beautiful you are." Ryan said before looking down quickly.

He'd never said anything as open before. Preferring to play cards close to his chest. It could've been because Ryan had known Shane for so long, or maybe it was because Ryan noticed a lot of things different with Shane. 

Like the light dotted freckles on his cheeks, the small splash of amber in Shane's honey eyes. Maybe it was the way Shane stood close to Ryan. 

Small things became big things because of a ring.

"Has anyone ever told you that you are cheesy?" Shane asked, with a smile.

"You. Sometimes." Ryan replied as Shane's hands moved to Ryan's waist.

Using his strength, he pulled Ryan in and smiled again. 

"But I think I may have underestima-" 

Ryan was cut off as Shane's bent his head and kissed Ryan with such vigor that Ryan gripped Shane tightly as he stumbled back.

After Shane had rendered Ryan speechless, he pulled back.

"Oh Ryan. You always underestimate me, it's one of your endearing qualities." Shane said gently as he let Ryan go.

"Now go back to work. Your break is over!" Shane exclaimed, causing Ryan to giggle.

Shane pushed him towards the doors. 

"I'll come see you tonight, okay?" Shane said before he walked away.


End file.
